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Joke of the Day

"Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you've killed some people."

"*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible"

"Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Truth or dare I: M: I:.. Dare M: I dare you to give me this job I:(under breath) Damn she's good"

"The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof."

"School is like a boner, long and hard. Unless you're Asian."

"France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong."

"*interrupts eulogy* SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL"

"Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus."

"Butt-sex is a lot like spinach... If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult. -Daniel Tosh"

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a vaccuum? With a vaccuum, the dirtbag's on the inside!"