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Joke of the Day

"The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof."

"[job interview] ""What's your greatest weakness?"" I'm always hungry ""That's not what I-"" *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share"

"Under pressure, Air Bud's math teacher changes grade from ""he's a dog"" to a 70"

"Dear diary, My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him. Apparently Meth wasn't what he expected. Dating is bull shit"

"What do you get when you cross peanuts and almonds? Deez Nutz"

"How did the stem cell break it to his girl? It's not you; it's me*iosis* Could probably do with some work on deliver as I made it 5 minutes ago"

"Just spilled red wine ALL OVER my insides."

"Yo momma so fat The U.N sends her a strongly worded letter for occupying too much space."

"If I had a dime for every time I dug a hole... I'd be in the hole."

"What's the difference between a teenager and a radioactive element? Radioactive elements last longer."