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Joke of the Day

"Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission."

"New Stephen King book! I hear that Stephen King is writing a new book dealing with the horrors of cat ownership. It's called Pffffffffft!"

"(Offensive joke) What kind of pizza did they order on nine eleven? 2 large planes"

"Having sex with you is like playing hide and seek After the first 60 seconds you yell ""ready or not, here I come!"""

"What's worse that burning the turkey on thanksgiving? Being a starving African Child."

"I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government"

"I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his ass. It's just too much of a stretch."

"What is the first thing a cannibal does after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his ass."

"HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class? Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers."

"Three men walk into a bar, what's missing? The joke! Usually one would introduce this one with: ""I'm gonna tell you a joke"" - but since we are in /r/jokes here, the setup should be ok."