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Joke of the Day

"David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote... David: ""Hi mate just checking in, u k?"""

"My psychologist said that I am losing my mind, and I don't agree. I'd say that my mind is losing me."

"If I could be a woman for 24 hours, I would probably spend most of it telling myself to shut the fuck up"

"I think I have a premature ejaculation problem it seems to come out of nowhere."

"*walks in at 3am* Wife: OMG, what happened? Me: I was attacked. [front door 5hrs later] Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?"

"Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese Newspaper. Do you get it? . . . . . . . Me neither, I get the New York Times"

"I didn't sleep a wink last night because my neighbor was screaming her head off. I think she doesn't like my basement."

"There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone."

"What do u call a midget mexican Paragraph because he isnt a full essay"

"Today, I started on my second million dollars! I gave up on my first."