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Joke of the Day

"With the ides of March around the corner Remember to stab your salad 23 times"

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"I feel like a crushed Coke can on the sidewalk. Soda pressed."
"And if I die before I wake I pray a virus my phone to take."
"One man gave his life, so you could have everything you ever wanted, and his name was JOHN CENA "
"What did the hat say to the coat stand? You stay here, I'll go on a head."
"What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out."
"It's going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I've got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour.."
"India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That's a heck of a place to put a call centre."
"I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall... So I said, ""Screw it!"""
"{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience} ""Have you seen my charger?"""