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Joke of the Day

"Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future."

"do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? The bond matures."

"'Tell me you want me' he ordered. 'I want you' she said. 'Now tell me you need me.' 'I need you' she sighed. She hated calling tech support."

"just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye"

"""YES! YES! YES! Damn."" (A dog, when you open their food cabinet to get something else.)"

"At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured."

"Got passed by a guy with a ponytail riding a moped so no I'm not ok."

"Twitter: ""Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"""

"What do you call a robot that doesn't support his children? Nuts and bolts"

"A man shot a guy in the butt from 1000m away It was one helluva crack-shot."