107320

Joke of the Day

"How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. EDIT: LADDER. I MEANT LADDER."

"When someone posts ""Hmmm. That was interesting..."" as their status on FB, I never ask what they're talking about because it never is."

"Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend: honey he can't even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP"

"Win every disagreement by saying "" I know. I'm from the future."" Because they can argue with you, but not science."

"ME: we can do this GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can't clear the bridge ME: *mashes 'im feeling lucky' button*"

"You wanna hear the best joke of the year? Your belt size."

"Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?"

"Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I'm in the floor hanging on for dear life."

"There was this ancient pagan ritual where they would hit the ground with sticks and shout out. Today we call it golf."

"Why did peanut butter flop at the talent show? He didn't have the right jam."