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Joke of the Day

"I masturbate with my pinkie finger pointed straight out. That way if anyone ever walks in on me, I'll still look all classy and shit"

"A vegan, a few crossfitters and a bunch of atheists are coming over for Easter There's no joke, I just thought you all should know"

"Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don't like just in case I turn into The Hulk."

"Where does Charlie Sheen shop? At Winners."

"Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man."

"How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black."

"I need to burn 644,098 calories at the gym today."

"How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries."

"Juneau what Juneau is the capital of? No?... I guess Alaska professional!"

"How do you starve a neurosurgeon? Hide his paycheck with his kids."