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Joke of the Day

"If you are American when you go into the bathroom... ... and you are American when you come out of the bathroom. What are you while you are in the bathroom? European!"

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"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days."
"My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!"
"What's the difference between a 5 year old kid and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window."
"TIFU by hiring a footlong sandwich as a replacement teacher. Oops, wrong sub."
"""Just the tip,"" I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza."
"Did you hear about the skinny guy that visited Alaska? I guess he came back a husky fucker."
"[BOOK CLUB] ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think? STEVE: PAUL: JANE: SARAH: MARK: DAVE:"
"Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you."
"What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history? American Snipper"
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