104001

Joke of the Day

"Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field."

"""I hate this quilt."" - my wife, a person capable of hating a quilt"

"The phrase ""Tricky Dick"" refers to both former President Richard Nixon and penis puppeteer Rich Handey. Be specific in your usage."

"Me- ""Sorry I can't"" Friend- ""Why not?"" M- ""Working on my book"" F- ""Neato! What about?"" M- ""It's a collection of ways to escape obligations"""

"[Sunday morning] *congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church* - mass unfollowing"

"MUGGER: give me ur wallet ME: stand back i have mace MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze"

"I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat I got a divorce."

"People always ask me why I procrastinate.. They say, ""you know, the early bird gets the worm."" I just respond, ""yes, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."""

"""I could probz bench press, like, five of you""-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met"

"Is it too early to make jokes about 9/11? Yes, you should wait 5 more days!"