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Joke of the Day

"[prison] CELLMATE: what are you in for? ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder"

"TIFU by being dyslectic and using the wrong public transportation Whoops, wrong bus."

"What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS"

"I just painted my toenails whore red, then immediately confined them to tight heels so they know what shameful little sluts they are."

"I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy. I don't want her getting fat like my wife."

"Why was the phone wearing glasses?... Because it lost all its contacts!"

"Special Hand Job on Olympic Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics... You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better..."

"Want to hear a funny joke? Hold on, I'm just gonna hit snooze once then tell it."

"My GF called me ""behind the times"" today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice."

"""I want a lady in a sheet and a creak in the bed"" -haunted house designer"