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Joke of the Day

"Me on New Year's Day: 2016 is so going to be my year! (Morgan Freeman narration): 2016 would not, in fact, be anyone's year."

"TIL 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the entire population. Title."

"if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat"

"Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.? Because they can't get past their Masters."

"I needed the loo, and only a wishing well was in sight. Well. Shit."

"next time you're considering wearing a fedora just think ""what would jesus do?"" because jesus wouldn't wear a fedora."

"One injured in Greyhound rollover in Texas. But the rest of the puppies are fine."

"I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?"

"I once saw a slice of toast in a zoo. It was bread in captivity."

"Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you."