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Joke of the Day

"Three men walk into a bar... The fourth one ducks."

"If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many god damn taxes to pay."

"Did you hear about the porn star who got jizz in her eye during a scene? She didn't see that one coming."

"Exercising when you get older is so important! My granny started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 65. Now she's 92 and we don't know where the hell she is."

"what do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jooouice!"

"[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] ""come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."""

"I'll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!"

"When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent! (Credit to the first dad who said this) EDIT: I fucked up the joke, thanks /u/Daviddddddd"

"How do black geese call to white geese? HONKEY! HONKEY!"

"Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the street count the legs divide by two and subtract one for the Jew who catches it."