199947

Joke of the Day

"If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many god damn taxes to pay."

"WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you ME: but I'm a slave 4 u WIFE: that's it ME: (whispers) oops I did it again"

"Wings are the leading cause of bird flew"

"When I Die When I die, I want my last words to be ""I left a million dollars under the..."""

"Fords coming out with heated tailgates. So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home."

"What do you call a girl in between 2 houses? Alane"

"1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, ""It has to look like an accident."" 4. Walk away."

"What is a 6.9? A really great thing ruined by a period."

"A twelve year old girl finishes her bath in the Atlantic. She goes to her eight year old sister and starts a fight with her. And thus we have Ocean's Twelve vs. Hateful Eight."

"""Son, if you keep masturbating like that you're going to go blind!"" Dad, I'm over here."