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Joke of the Day

"Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong."

"It's not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can't see my naked body."

"Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Don't worry sir the spider on the breadroll will get 'em."

"When people say ""You look so familiar"" responding with ""Were we in prison together?"" is almost always a conversation killer."

"Why women live longer than men? Because shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying bills does."

"If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong."

"My Muslim friend. I have a friend who used to be a Muslim, now he's an atheist, I guess he was done with that Shiite."

"What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black."

"She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!"

"I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert."