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Joke of the Day

"Little Mortie got a real surprise when he barged into his parents' room one night. ""And you slap me for sucking my thumb?"" he screamed."

"What is Cersei Lannister's favorite American city? Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love."

"[Therapist appt.] Hub: She doesn't have her priorities straight. *Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* ""That's not true"""

"Toy Story 5: Jason Statham must deliver the last iPad to Uganda, in a prius, and he has to drift the entire trip or the car will explode"

"My friend got hit with a soda can Don't worry, it was a *soft* drink! "

"If Jesus appears to you... Ask him to bevel-cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn't know what you mean, that's an imposter Jesus."

"Did you know frogs can jump higher than houses? This is for two reasons: 1. Frogs have extremely strong hind legs. 2. Houses can't jump."

"So there are the baby boomers, generation x, and millenials. What do we call the next generation? Fucked."

"Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they're like ""Yeah, you haven't got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit."""

"""Vini Vidi Venti"" --I came, I saw, I ordered the large coffee at Starbucks."