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Joke of the Day

"Microwaves don't need to give warning beeps after cooking the food - the last thing I'm going to do is forget I just made pizza rolls."

"What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 4 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe."

"Why's everyone hating Mayweather, I think it feels great out"

"I like to stay at the nude beach all day, or at least until clothing time."

"If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet"

"Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They haven't got a policy on that."

"Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you're making the best mistakes possible."

"Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names."

"[GOP Debate] MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat? CRUZ: what? MODERATOR: I knew it!"

"A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for an innuendo... ..So he gave her one."