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Joke of the Day

"I'm lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess."

"Who is this Rorschach guy? ... and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?"

"American nuclear response time is around four minutes. But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern."

"When I die I don't want a big funeral. I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life..."

"Hillary's team is really going all out to get the LGBTQ vote... They've even convinced Huma to get rid of her Weiner."

"When I steal a sweater it's called theft but when a girl does it, it's a sign of affection"

"On the tombstones of Buddhists, it's always 'RIP'. I always thought it was 'BRB'"

"What do vegan cannibals eat? Only vegetables."

"Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say? It's grown on me."

"what qualifies a woman in hollywood for disability benefits? ""A"" cup"