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Joke of the Day

"I've just had to take the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide alarm The loud beeping was giving me a headache and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy"

"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? One sees a glass half full, the other doesn't care because the glass is going to fall and break anyways."

"A night-shift nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says... ""Oh damn it, some asshole has my pen!"""

"I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick. Slot shot."

"I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly."

"I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive. It makes me want to throw my beer can at them."

"A Load of Old Rubbish by Stefan Nonsense"

"I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?"

"What do you call a charitable cookie container? A good samoa-tin"

"Say ""beer can"" in a British accent. You just said ""bacon"" in a Jamaican accent."