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Joke of the Day

"Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves... ... Clinton and Trump are furious."

"Honey I'm home from Costco. ""You didn't buy anything stupid this time?"" [looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack] Define stupid?"

"A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear."

"Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it's owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer."

"COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives"

"The more Twitter tells me it's over Capacity, the more I suspect Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping."

"""I'm single and ready to mingle""..oh god, is this why I'm still single, cuz I say shit like that?"

"Girl are you Monday because I am not looking forward to seeing you again"

"KNOCK KNOCK ""I am already owning one."""

"What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted."