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Joke of the Day

"""I'm single and ready to mingle""..oh god, is this why I'm still single, cuz I say shit like that?"

"I'd hate to be Rock, and have to come home and explain to my kids how I got beat by Paper."

"[at dinner] Wife: This is terrible. Me: Horrible. Waiter: Hey folks, how's your food? (simultaneously) Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!"

"What Trumps favorite song Make it rain (there are two way you can read this)"

"I wish I was poplar. No, that's not a typo. I wish I was a tree."

"We'd like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair"

"Every time someone tells a bulimia joke... Every time someone tells a bulimia joke I throw up in disgust. Please keep them coming."

"My Sunday School teacher is so old... .. when the New Testament came out she said ""I don't care for the new curriculum."""

"I wish I could press a finger to this loud, profane, obnoxious boy's forehead and instantly transmit to him the sadness of being an adult."

"Mary had a little sheep and with the sheep she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram so Mary had a little lamb."