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Joke of the Day

"MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board? ME: no MT: i wasn't asking ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were"

"as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money"

"I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm."

"[Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see"

"What do you call an area where an Octopus is sitting? Octopied"

"Studies show that Alabama, Mississippi and Tennessee have an obesity rate of over 30%. Maybe they'll change their name from the Bible Belt to the Loosened Belt."

"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt"

"Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!"

"I'm intelligent but not ""make good life choices"" intelligent."

"War is never the answer. Unless the question is ""What's never the answer?"""