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Joke of the Day

"Bank manager: I'm sorry sir you can't open an account with this sort of money. They're wooden pieces! Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account."

"A baseball player was hit in the head with a line drive yesterday... today he's more open-minded"

"The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a dog."

"Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car"

"If a pika sneezes... Is it called a Pikachu?"

"Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach."

"Waiter what's this fly doing in my soup? Um looks to me to be backstroke sir"

"Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don't even have shoulders Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage"

"I bought a new boomerang... and went damn near crazy trying to throw the old one away!"

"4yo: *shoots me with gun* *stuffs gun in my pocket* *runs away* Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide* *keeping an eye on him*"