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Joke of the Day

"Kids are scared to pour vinegar in their cups because BAKING SODA. BAKING SODA. I GOT BAKING SODA"

"The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out."

"Do these jeans make me look fat? wife : Do these jeans make me look fat? Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth? Wife : No, i won't! Tell me. Me : I slept with your sister"

"Just saw a 13 year old kid reading an actual newspaper. I stopped and asked of he was okay, and if he'd lost his phone."

"Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress' facial reaction I'm not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family"

"What do you call a hippy's wife? Mississippi."

"*First date. Her. ""Shall we carve our names onto this tree"" Me. ""You brought a knife?"""

"Late to bed and late to rise . . . Makes a man who will serve french fries."

"ME: seen the loch ness monster? HER: it's not real M: *unzips pants* wanna bet? H: *rolls eyes* sure M: k i'll pee and then we'll google it"

"A blind man once told me, he smokes a lot because ... he got nothing to 'look' forward. Well, let just say that I 'see' his point......Ba Dum Tss!!!"