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Joke of the Day

"I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend."

"Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning... I'm like, ""Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"""

"Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies"

"I caught a big fish! I was going to mount it, but there were people around! Source: Emo Philips"

"Why I love duct tape? It can turn ""No, no no!"" into ""mmph, mmmph, mmmph"""

"Joey: WHOA Blossom: So you like that? Joey: WHOA Blossom: Are you saying stop? Joey: WHOA Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever"

"Treat her like she's the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever."

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? [not the traditional punchline] Because 7 was a registered 6 offender."

"I'd be the X-man who was always pointing out the continuity flaws in our storyline"

"I've always wanted to get in an accident with someone who has the same exact car as me. MY NECK HURTS! WHO GIVES A FUCK THIS IS COOL!"