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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend told me to go out and bring back something that made her look sexy. I came home drunk."

"If you're French in the bedroom, and Italian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? European!"

"I've been procrastinating on lots of projects which means I've been multitasking all morning which means I've earned a nap."

"[baby finally falls asleep] ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON"

"How do you find out if a dead man has autism? You give them an autopsy"

"impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon."

"*Attempts to use 'I have a boyfriend' meme* Meme: I have a boyfriend."

"More of a Gay pickup line: I have naked tea parties about once every week. I have a tea pot now I need a tea bag. You up for that? (Ripped from family guy)"

"Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills? To prevent Hispanic attacks"

"What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker? One of them starts a religion after it gets nailed."