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Joke of the Day

"I've been procrastinating on lots of projects which means I've been multitasking all morning which means I've earned a nap."

"The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second."

"Pizza at gay marriages will inevitably become a trend. It will be largely symbolic (and artisanal)."

"Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."

"I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I'm dating Madonna now."

"What do you call a nun sleep walking? A roamin' Catholic"

"I saw a huge spider wearing a turban and carrying an AK-47 yesterday and I shit myself. I'm guessing I have Iraqnophobia."

"""Are you seeing anyone?"" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends."

"Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three if you slice them very thinly."

"You know whats worse... Then fingering your sister. finding your dad wedding ring"