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Joke of the Day

"One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody. At least, that's what my cell mate tells me."

"What's different between Trump and the Lannisters? A Lannister always pays his debts."

"BAD COP: Throw the book at him. GOODREADS COP: OK! Check out Ruby, the beautiful and devastating debut novel by Cynthia Bond. 12"

"I would love to go to the bar tonight but, people."

"My friend and I got featured on a listicle. We both think that most listicles are awful attempts to just get ad revenue but hey, at least we're on the same page."

"Jared likes his subs like he likes his kids. 6 and 12."

"SANTA: I don't need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start"

"Why are successful people such assholes? They get shit done."

"Wanna see a pig with three eyes [improved] a cop with a body camera."

"How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you next Friday."