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Joke of the Day

"SANTA: I don't need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start"

"I tried to catch some fog the other day... Mist."

"What do you call a man that marries another man? A minister! Courtesy of a patient."

"Women v/s men"

"Me: I can't live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier. Also Me: I couldn't decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both."

"Don't judge me until you've walked a mile with my shoes....shoved up your ass."

"What is the one thing you can't say even on the internet? [removed]"

"CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom? ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small"

"What did Fred from 'Scooby Doo' say when Mystery Inc. finally found a mystery that was too scary for them to solve? 2scooby4doo"

"Where did the chess player go when he lost one of his chess pieces? The pawn shop."