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Joke of the Day

"I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen."

"Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus."

"Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission? He was always Stalin in his manual!"

"Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases it is damned near impossible."

"Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."

"I hate when kangaroos say they're going to ""hop in the shower"" and expect you to laugh like you've never heard it before."

"If you haven't woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler."

"(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush) Scientist 1: This thing sucks Scientist 2: Yeah! S1: It's hogging all the hedges! S2: Wait."

"Wives are magicians They can turn anything into an argument."

"Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button."