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Joke of the Day

"[describing criminal to sketch artist] His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth"

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"""Was that lightning?"" No... they're taking pictures for google earth."
"I've been up for 20 hours. There's no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training."
"""I'm sorry. I haven't had sex for a very long time."" -- and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior."
"Wife: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS? Husband: ? *Wife storms out room* Husband: Happy Valsenbirthery?!"
"HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP"
"How do I know Kim and Kanye's daughter is going to be smart? Because she already has 315 degrees."
"What dictator had the best bureaucracy? Idi Admin."
"I've just bought a car that parks itself. Oh really? And where it is? I have no fucking idea."
"Just ate a bag of jelly beans. Did you know if you eat a pineapple, a coconut, and a black one together, it tastes like pina colada asphalt?"