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Joke of the Day

"A governor is being inaugurated and there are snipers on buildings and based on my work in video games I'm offended I wasn't asked to help."

"Its too expensive to put up Christmas lights these days. I'm just going to hire a bunch of Mexicans to sit on my roof with flashlights."

"Don't make me use UPPERCASE."

"*smudges lipstick* *smears eyeliner* *gets mascara on earlobe* *never tries make-up sex again*"

"If your girl says ""Hey guess what!"" you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next."

"So drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he'd get a Bloody Mary."

"Did you hear about the couple who stole a calendar? They both got six months."

"Why do we.... Cook bacons and bake cookies?"

"Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he 'kneaded' a shit."

"Why doesn't Mexico live up to it's full potential in the Olympics? Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump, and swim are in America."