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Joke of the Day

"My wife asked if I was coming to our daughter's dance recital... I was, but I paused the video, pulled up my pants, and denied it."

"What's the thing u don't tell a vampire? Bite me."

"A #colon has only two job options: become a punctuation mark, or work for an asshole."

"Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick."

"Cop: Know how fast you were going? ""55?"" Cop: Faster. ""217."" Cop: Um, no, 72. ""24?"" Cop: I already told y- ""Negative 6?"" Cop: Get out."

"If you are having trouble getting your posts banned from r/science ""Deal with it"""

"if i don't respond to your text, it's because i fell asleep finding a dumb picture of mos def to send u in lieu of typing ""most definitely"""

"My daughter told me to treat her like a princess... so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France."

"[picking name for new puppy] 13: Pixie. 16: Rosie. Wife: Annie. Me: BATMAN!"

"How do sceptics introduce themselves? ""I don't believe we've met..."""