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Joke of the Day

"Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun"

"Mastercard Chinese Resturant Commercial General Tso's Chicken........ $11.50 Coca-Cola........ $1.99 Take out guy forgets container........ Riceless"

"Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets"

"I bought a backpack that was field tested... ...They didn't say anything about how well it performed on the test, but I was glad that they showed some initiative."

"Neverland Ranch Why did Michael Jackson build Neverland Ranch? He was fucking immature."

"My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house"

"Anyone seen ""Captain Phillips""? If not, I have a pirated copy you can borrow."

"I just can't stop making dad jokes! I don't know how much father I can go...."

"What do you call a communnist sniper? A Marxman"

"How do the Chinese pick a name for their child? They throw a spoon down the stairs"