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Joke of the Day

"Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun"

"What do you call a pessimistic black man? Niggative."

"What is the best thing about duct tape? It turns no no no into mm mm mmmm."

"What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio furniture"

"The doctor thinks I need a penis reduction I asked him if it could wait until after my golf tournament."

"settle down twitter crush. i didn't ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i've picked for our kids"

"Someone tweeted today that they were ""29-ish"" and I didn't know you could ""ish"" 15 years."

"What do fat people do in the summer? Stink"

"Why did the vampire use mouthwash? Because he had bat breath"

"When I see lover's names carved in a tree... I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date."