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Joke of the Day

"I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch It took her 3 hours She was so excited to be done Then I served dinner."

"Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's? only cat's can"

"Does anyone else believe in solipsism or is it just me?"

"How many Millennials does it take... to screw in a lightbulb? None. Their parents will do it for them."

"Two Muslims are on a frozen lake not talking to each other... I thought I would go over there and break the ice."

"I want to write a tweet that is so offensive that it reduces my followers to zero."

"""I won't vaccinate my kids! It's not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!"" *gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*"

"Him: Sir, you don't have the experience or fitness to be a fireman. Me: But, I got a mustache! Him: That's cat fur attached with frosting."

"What's the most useless thing on a woman? A drunk Irishman."

"Why was the redneck on his Iphone at his sister's funeral...? He was changing his relationship status to single. Dahurpy durp Dahurpy Durp Da dUrpy durp."