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Joke of the Day

"Why does Voldemort always sit in the nosebleed section at events? So he'll finally have the chance to get a bloody nose."

"If I was a doctor, every now and again I'd eat a giant burrito then give myself a sonogram."

"An exchange in Frasier Niles: she was eerily calm. She just stood there rubbing her ocelot. Martin: you know they got a cream for that"

"*wakes up in cold sweat* SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?"

"If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy."

"I would like to learn more about frequencies But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz"

"[priest bends over my coffin seductively revealing a thong to the entire funeral]"

"My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick Especially since his name is Steve"

"The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want."

"Did you hear about the water thief-turned-photographer? Apparently he was a great pitcher-taker. (Credit goes to my husband.)"