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Joke of the Day

"I decided to vote for the most presidential and least controversial person I saw on the debate last night... So I'm going to vote for Lester Holt."

"Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other."

"At first I thought maybe HBO had another vampire show. Then I realized that's just what Steve Buscemi really looks like."

"Do you know why Bernie Sanders has gotten as much sex as he's had? Because he doesn't care about position!"

"When you're fast enough to be at two spots at the same time. *Fat"

"Sad news from the Nestle chocolate factory. A man was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolate. Apparently every time he shouted: ""The Milky Bars are on me!"" his workmates just cheered."

"So, they're going to combine Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter into one website. It's going to be called ""YouTwitFace""."

"Soda What do you call a soda that was beat up in a fight? CREAMED SODA"

"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or genitalia? Still no fucking eye deer."

"When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, ""I think it's Santa Claus!"" so I don't have to get up."