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Joke of the Day

"Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens....hold on, I have a list."

"What is the flattest surface to iron your jeans on? ...a white girl's ass! (I AM a white girl, BTW, so don't start with me about racism)."

"One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they're OK then it's you."

"You don't need a parachute to skydive... You need a parachute to skydive twice."

"What did little Jonny have to say on the topic of meteorites? No comet."

"A woman visits reddit..."

"What did the cannibal say to his victim before they went for a long walk? You're gonna be pooped after this."

"If my teachers don't become Ms. Frizzle anytime soon, I will just keep not paying attention."

"A: My bag is getting heavier B: Why? A: Because I don't smoke... B: How does it matter?? A: ""It ain't got any lighter"""

"Everyone lies on their resume but I fear I may have gone overboard with 'immortal' and 'shoots lasers from eyes' and 'hardworking'."