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Joke of the Day

"[on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww"

"I've always wanted to be in a circle jerk, but nobody else was interested... So I started cloning myself, and now I've come full circle!"

"It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5"

"I'm thinking of writing a Mystery novel... or am I?"

"What do parrots eat ? Polyfilla !"

"Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot."

"If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen."

"15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Don't die Kevin Bacon!!"

"If a horse's front legs are traveling at 200mph, what are it's back legs doing? Hauling ass."

"I'm starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ..."