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Joke of the Day

"Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it. Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar."

"I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there's a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv"

"What did the Chinese food say to the patron? ""Please, don't eat me! I'm Egg Foo Yung to die!"""

"Interviewer: What is your greatest strength? Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict. Intvr: Do you mean ""knack""? *pulls out pillow*"

"Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer."

"What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet."

"""ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab--no ice-- no thats definitly a babey"" - man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey"

"Purple is my favorite colour. I like it more than red and blue combined."

"kid who doesn't believe in Santa What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus."

"I was thinking about getting a tattoo... [one liner] I was going to get a tattoo of a cross on my testicles, but I thought it would be too sacrilegious."