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Joke of the Day

"[Wall Street] ME: haha Hump Day, amiright? HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes* ME: eh? *nudge* HD: Dude don't- ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit"

"Three guys walk into a bar... They grab a couple of drinks, pay in full and leave like the good people they are."

"I've been dating this lady who is gluten free... Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, ""do you want to split a sandwich."" I say, ""sure"" and then I'm just left with the bread."

"My friend started jogging so he'd live longer. He got hit by a bus and died the next day."

"Warning... Corny level is over 9000... What do you call a billionaire fish? A gillionaire"

"Did you guys here the Twins signed Adrian Peterson? Word is they needed a switch hitter..."

"Tell me your story, park-giant-truck-diagonally guy. Things will never get better if we don't dialogue."

"Police Officer: Why are you driving in a bathing suit? Motorist: I'm in a car pool."

"[looking at pics] Where's that? -Hawaii Where's that? -Jamaica Daddy where was I? -You weren't born Why's the folder called 'Good Ole Days'?"

"Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, ""Are you sure you want to leave this page?"""