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Joke of the Day

"[looking at pics] Where's that? -Hawaii Where's that? -Jamaica Daddy where was I? -You weren't born Why's the folder called 'Good Ole Days'?"

"I'd work out, but I'm still trying to perfect my ""before"" picture"

"I like my coffee how I like my women... Not black."

"Two scientists walk into a bar... One asks for a H2O, the other asks for a H2O too. The bartender hands them both glasses of water and asks them why they're talking in scientific terms."

"Rectangle? It nearly KILLEDtangle. ...I could totally write for kids' shows."

"I was going to make a scene when they told me I couldn't join the Easter Egg hunt... ...instead I just left without a Peep."

"Ethnic cleansing Is that what Michael Jackson did?"

"Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, my Facebook feed changed everybody from political analysts to weather people."

"My doctor sang this to me at my birthday ""Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"""

"Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems"