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Joke of the Day

"Unexplainable things: 1) Stonehenge 2) ESP 3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them"

"My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I'm ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!"

"*go to shake hands with All-Knowing Oracle* *just stares at me* *realize he knows I didn't wash my hands after using the bathroom earlier*"

"Chuck Norris just says ""no"" to drugs. If he said ""yes"", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure."

"Why do historians say Hitler was a great mathematician? He could always find the final solution"

"[at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: ""what d'you call a fly with no wings"" dave: ""keith dont"" me: ""a WALK!"" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]"

"What does Deadpool need? Someone to merc him shut up."

"What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween? Only two more sleeps till Christmas!"

"Woke up so hungry I could eat my own cooking!"

"My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not."