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Joke of the Day

"Son: Dad, how do stars die? Dad: Drugs, usually."

"""Okay, just gonna check Twitter ONE MORE TIME and then I'll get back to work."" - me, always"

"Raise your hands... ...if you have ever had your arms torn off by a wookie."

"People always complain that I'm ""out there."" [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]"

"I can't believe my kamikaze joke crashed and burned like that!"

"You know it's a crazy party when the toilets smell less of puke than the dancefloor."

"People call me Mr Compromise. Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it."

"I wonder what TSA would do if I brought a block of ice through airport security. My physics teacher said it's not a liquid."

"""Sorry, I don't date block guys.""- racist lego woman."

"I had doubts about buying a big metal cabinet with a locking door for my guns It turned out to be a safe purchase."