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Joke of the Day

"I wonder what TSA would do if I brought a block of ice through airport security. My physics teacher said it's not a liquid."

"He died doing what he loved. He didn't know she was married."

"i said no to the dress & now my familys being held against their will in an undisclosed location theyve already sent me two of my son's toes"

"Why do procrastinators live the longest? Because they die at the last second."

"As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, ""Push!"" I was convinced it was a Pull door."

"What do, you call a handicapped person with a, vasectomy? A seedless, vegetable."

"What do you call a black guy flying an air plane? A pilot. You racist asshole."

"I thought about doing stand up comedy, then I sat back down again."

"MOM: always open the door for a lady [later on date] ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming"

"If money doesn't grow on trees... Then why do banks have branches?"