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Joke of the Day

"We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator."

"What did the ghost say to the prostitute? You're a horror!"

"Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself."

"Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers."

"So I walked into a pub with some of the lads... Oh wait hang on I don't have a social life."

"One milli-Helen: The amount of beauty required to launch a single ship."

"Let me be clear, I don't want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment."

"Santa goes to... Santa goes to your house, goes down your chimney, and watches you while you're asleep... And everyone adores him... I do it one time..."

"its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??"

"What did the one explorer say to the other when they arrived in Northern Canada? Eh, you take this one. I don't want Nunavut. PS: I realize it's a double negative."