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Joke of the Day

"""You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."" The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage."

"Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say ""RT if you hate puppies and babies."""

"GOD: Moses!! I COMMAND YOU TOcan you take your shoes off MOSES: What? Why G: I'm trying to keep the place nice, OK? M: It's a mountain"

"i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it"

"Why is PTSD like riding a bike? You never forget"

"""How much are these glasses?"" ""$150 sir"" ""I guess you could say"" *puts on sunglasses* *runs out without another word*"

"TIFU I'm like a 4/10 and she was a total 9."

"I thought it was you A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, ""You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"""

"Russian history in 5 words: ""And then things got worse."""

"I like my men how I like my coffee, Inside of me."