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Joke of the Day

"[in class] Me: hey, can I borrow a pen? Guy: sure, black or blue? Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?"

"The most maddening part of your parents giving you annoying advice is that they're usually right."

"Top Gear was twelve years old... That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked."

"The most terrifying sentence in the world. ""I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."" -RR"

"Women are too sensitive. My friend said she was having twins. All I said was at least you'll finally have 2 kids with the same father."

"What do you call a fast sheep in Ireland? A virgin."

"Fox has a new competition special airing tomorrow night. ""So You Think You Can Prez"""

"My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise."

"Mind Blown. Girls=Time and Money Because Time=Money Girls=Money (squared) Since Money is the root of all evil square root the squared Money Therefore Girls=Root of all evil"

"Me and my girlfriend are just too different... I exist and she doesn't"