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Joke of the Day

"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."

"As a Volkswagen Engineer, do you know what really grinds my gears? The Tiptronic transmission, actually, but I invented these noise cancelling headphones!"

"I don't have a girlfriend.... I just know a few people who would get mad if I said that."

"Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN."

"Jeffrey Dahmer was HOT. He had the body of a much younger man."

"I broke my finger last week On the other hand, i'm ok"

"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? She worked it out with a pencil."

"Why did the bartender put laxatives in a patron's drink? For shits and giggles"

"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, ""Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"" The pirate says, ""Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."""

"Did you hear about the obscenely hard gardening class required for botany majors? It was said to be a weed out class"