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Joke of the Day

"I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I'm going to haunt grows everyday."

"[at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster"

"I joined a 12 step program for people who talk too much. Its called OnAndOnAnon"

"What did the surfer say when he visited Syria? This place is totally radical!"

"How do murderers turn off the lights? Killowatt"

"Why was the mushroom a hit at parties? Because he was a *fungi*"

"When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo... ...I just had to put my foot down..."

"lady, cut my neck open with trimmers, i dont care, but if you try and start a conversation with me im never coming back to this Supercuts"

"Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom."

"""I wish my girlfriend sucked my dick the way she sucked the fun out of everything."" -Shakespeare"